A Satire of Sorts: Calvin Gets His Day. Taken From ‘All In The Family’

Written By Thomas Perez. January 20, 2011 at 7:11pm.

I was only able to upload a part of this classic scene. The whole scene has been deleted from YouTube due to copyright reasons.

A disagreements of sorts are taking place between a Uni, a Calvinist, and a Arminian

Uni claims he’s entitled to 20 dollars….

UNI’S WIFE – Oh please uni, be fair.

UNI – “Don’t tell me what to do”!!! Get out of the way…..

UNI – “Eh, Jacobus, I’m gonna be fair. You and I were both involved in a mis-understanding. Well, maybe we ought to share, so here’s $10 dollars. Ok, is that fair enough”??

CALVIN – “No Wait a second Uni, that’s not fair, your ahead way more than 10 dollars”.

UNI- “Oh ohhhhhh, listen to the meathead Calvinistic theologian over here”.

UNI – “I’m holding $10 dollars in my hand, show me where I’m ahead more than that”!!!

CALVIN – “Look Uni. You gave Jacobus a phony $20 dollar bill for the use of his church building”….

UNI- “Ohhh, ohhhhhhhh, I didn’t know nothing about that, it was a mistake”!!!

CALVIN – “It doesn’t make any difference. The point is Jacobus gave you $18 dollars of real money in change….plus $2 dollars for the bagels – that’s $20 dollars. Add to that the $20 dollars that he found in a Uni gospel tract, of which he returned to you because he’s an honest Christian man; that’s $40 dollars your ahead”.

UNI – “HOLD IT, HOLD IT!!! I just gave the man $10 dollars here”!

CALVIN – “All right then, your ahead $30 dollars”….

UNI – “Ohhhh, 30 dollars”!!!???

CALVIN – “But the fact remains he gave you $18 dollars in cash. You only gave him 10 dollars back. Why don’t you gave him the other $8 dollars you owe him”

UNI – “I AIN‘T GONNA GIVE HIM $8 DOLLARS”!!!

CALVIN – “Uni, you will still be ahead $22 bucks”!

UNI – “HOW DO FIGURE THAT”???***

CALVIN – “30 minus 8 is 22! Your $22 dollars ahead”

UNI – “Ehhhh, I’m 22 ahead??? Ehhhhhhh, ehhhhhhh 30 minus, huh??? Minus 8??? “I COULD ADD UP MYSELF”!!!!

UNI – “Eh, Jacobus,…..as long as I’m 22 dollars ahead here…..eh, how much do I give him Calvin”???

CALVIN – “$8 dollars”….

UNI – “All right, $8 dollars….So I’ll give you the 10 dollar bill, you give me back 2 singles”.

JACOBUS – “I don’t have any change”.

UNI – “Oh geeeeeezzzzz he don’t have any change. I don’t got no change. Who’s got change”???

UNI’S WIFE – “I don’t have any change”….

JACOBUS’ WIFE – “Me either”….

CALVIN – “Look Uni, Jacobus gave you 18 dollars in change; you gotta have at least 3 dollars in change”!

UNI – “I BOUGHT 7 CIGARS IN A MALT SHOP BECAUSE MY SINS ARE FORGIVEN WAS THAT OK WITH YOU”!!!!

UNI‘S WIFE – “Would this help? I owe the Jacobus’ Wife $3 dollars for the woman’s prayer group goodies”.

CALVIN – “That will help”!

UNI – “HOW DOES THAT HELP”???!!!

CALVIN – “Give me the 10 bucks“…(Calvin grabs the 10 bucks out of the Uni’s hand)….

UNI – “WAIT A MINUTE”!!!!

CALVIN – “Uni, you was gonna give Jacobus 8 dollars right? Add 3 dollars to that for the prayer goodies, and that’s 11 dollars you owe Jacobus. Here’s the 10 dollar bill Mr Jacobus. Now Uni, all you owe Jacobus is 1 dollar”….

UNI – “HOW DO I OWE HIM 1 DOLLAR”???!!!

UNI’S DAUGHTER – “No Daddy, that not right”….

UNI – “Nooooo, that’s not right little girl, help me here”….

UNI‘S DAUGHTER – “Daddy you are forgetting about the $2 dollars for the bagels that was provided by Jacobus. So you owe him $3 dollars”….

UNI – “THAT AIN’T NO HELP”!!!!

CALVIN – “She’s right Uni, you owe Jacobus $3 dollars. So give me a 5 dollar bill“….(again, Calvin grabs, this time, a $5 dollar bill from Uni.)

UNI – “WAIT A MINUTE HERE”!!!!!!!!!

CALVIN – “Here Mr. Jacobus, here’s $5 dollars, now you owe Uni $2 dollars”….

UNI – “WELL AT LEAST HE OWES ME 2 DOLLARS. HE OWES ME SOMETHING HERE!!!! NOW REMEMBER, YOU OWE ME $2 DOLLARS”….!!!!

JACOBUS – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, ALRIGHT”!

UNI – “AND SPEAKING OF OWING….WHAT ABOUT THE $5 DOLLARS YOU OWE ME??? I GAVE YOU $5 DOLLARS LAST WEEK, I LOANED IT TO YA TO BUY PIZZA FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR WIFE”!!!!!!!!

CALVIN – “Oh yeahhhhh, that’s right; I forgot”….

UNI – “YEAH, YEAH, YOU FORGOT”!

CALVIN – “I’m sorry, I‘m sorry”!!!

CALVIN – “Honey can you get me give me $5 dollar to give to Uni”.

UNI‘S DAUGHTER – “Oh sure honey, let me get my purse”.

UNI – “YEAH, GET THE PURSE EH”!

UNI’S DAUGHTER – “Noooooo, wait a minute Daddy, there’s something wrong here”.

UNI – “Yeahhhh, there’s something wrong here little girl”. L

UNI’S DAUGHTER – “Yeahhhh, you owe me $10”!

UNI – “THAT’S WHATS WRONG”???!!!

UNI‘S DAUGHTER – “Yeah, don’t you remember??? Last week I loaned you $10 dollars when you didn‘t have enough money to pay the plumber for fixing the dripping underneath the baptismal tub”?

UNI – “Ah geeeezzzzzzz”….

UNI‘S DAUGHTER – “Lets see what you got here. You got 2 fives. That’s my 10”!

UNI‘S DAUGHTER – “Here Honey, here’s your $5 for the pizza”.

CALVIN – “Thank you very much honey”….

CALVIN – “Here’s the $5 I owe you for the pizza….We’re all square and even”.

JACOBUS‘ WIFE – “Wait! wait a minute! Not quite all square”.

UNI – “YOUR DAMN RIGHT, NOT QUITE ALL SQUARE”!!!!

JACOBUS‘ WIFE – “Remember Jacobus, you still owe Uni $2 dollars. Give it to him”!

UNI – “YEAH, YEAH, SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE. “I’M FEELING AWEFUL LIGHT OVER HERE”!!!!

JACOBUS‘ WIFE – “Give him the $2 dollars”!

JACOBUS – “I don’t have change, remember”?

UNI‘S DAUGHTER – “Oh I know how to fix this, Calvin remember; you and Daddy owe Jacobus’ son, Lionel $7 dollars for the ball game tickets from last Saturday”!

CALVIN – “That’s right, I forgot”!

CALVIN – “Here, give me the $5 dollars”….(Calvin grabs the $5 dollars from Uni’s hand).

UNI – “WAIT A MINUTE!”!!!!!!!!!!

CALVIN – “Mr Jacobus, here’s $5 dollars. Now with the $2 dollars you owe Uni; you add that to the $5 dollars. That makes $7 dollars; you give that to Lionel. That square’s us with Lionel and squares you with Uni. Everything is perfect, everybody is paid off”!!!!

UNI – “HOW IS EVERYBODY PAID OFF?????!!!!! I HAD $35 DOLLARS IN MY HAND!!!!!! I’M STANDING HERE HOLDING NOTHING”!!!!!!!

UNI – “NOW, DON’T NO BODY MOVE; BECAUSE WE’RE GONNA START THIS WHOLE TRANSACTION ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!! AND WE’RE GONNA DO IT SLOW, RIGHT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING”!!!!!

CALVIN – (Calvin turns to Uni and says), “All this because you refuse to have a proper system of church buildings & places of encouragement….. Hehehehehe, losing our cool are we?? Hehehe!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s